My life has changed drastically over the past couple years.Some of those changes I’m not happy about but I’m stuck with them and I’m working on making the most of them. Other changes are really good and I’m happy about but I’m still grieving the loss of some things I’ve let go…just because they were so integral to my life for so long and losing them is strange. Change is only easy for me when I choose to change and have a modicum of control over the process. Most of the changes in my life lately I haven’t had control over and I still feel like I haven’t found my sea legs yet. The biggest change in our family is David returning to acting a few years ago and then going into focusing on screen acting. Before we got engaged, David had given up pursuing acting as a career. I was happy about this but I should have known he couldn’t stay away forever. I thought I’d be ok with him getting back into it after 10 years – I didn’t know it would turn my world completely topsy turvy in more ways than one. I’m not happy about it. I actually really really dislike that my husband is an actor. He’s good at it and for that I’m proud of him but I pretty much hate the film making industry and find it the most dysfunctional and destructive thing a person could be involved with. I’m not sure what a person does when they aren’t happy with their spouse’s passion but I’m pretty sure I haven’t done a good job in the process of figuring it out. But like all things, we’ll get through it and hopefully return to a happy place…even if it’s a different happy place. The other changes are all directly or indirectly related to David and I leaving church ministry…and the church altogether. This is one of those good changes that has been hard just because it was my identity for so long.
The biggest thing I’m struggling with is that I’m generally a very tough, adaptable, resilient person. I don’t necessarily relish changes or being thrown a curve ball but I always manage to tough it out with little drama and emerge whole on the other side. For some reason, all these recent changes have thrown me off my game completely and I’m generally a weepy messy puddle most days. It’s infuriating.
On top of it all, more major change is on the horizon…good change, intentional change…but change no less.I’m feeling rather exhausted by it all.